The pain of seeking validation

Angeline Zimbwani Mikiri 

When I was growing I used to stammer a lot. I had some challenges in expressing myself. This gave me so much discomfort especially the moment I tried to express myself with friends at school. I would end up being silent. I would envy other people speaking with eloquence while I struggled to utter a sentence. This would get even worse when someone angered me whilst I am trying to make a point or explain something. Despite the fact that I was a bright student in school, the fact that I had speech impediment made my interaction with people so difficult. My mind told me that I could not do much as long as I had a challenge in expressing myself. I would get angry when it got worse to the extent that I would end up crying. Many people thought I was a quiet person rather I feared people would laugh at me, in case I fail to express myself. I feared people would not be patient enough to wait until I finish my statement. I feared I would not accepted by people. In order to avoid this I thought keeping quiet was the best thing to do. I felt incompetent and I felt inferior. I had a very low self-esteem and fragile. Because I thought people were making funny of me.  I found myself always seeking approval and validation. I knew I had something great and worthwhile inside of me but I doubted that it would make any sense to others. The loss of parents and my elder brother at a younger age made it worse. This was because I felt comfortable around them. ‘At least they understood and knew me better than anyone else’, I thought. I lost all the little confidence I had. I began to seek validation from people simply because I thought they might be well informed or they might know better than me. I have realized that the moment you begin to seek validation from people most of the time, is the moment you lose your identity. There are times we think there are people who are more valid than us due to social and cultural norms. Due to the low self-esteem we experience when in our families, school work and even our social network. This always leads people to seek validation. Have you ever thought about what you say or speak not making sense? You wait until people endorse or agree with that opinion. We just want people to approve the way we think or do. When no one does not agree with us we are likely to get in shells and feel less of ourselves. Seeking validation limits a person. When you get to appoint of wanting to seek people’s approval, chances are you will always get disappointed with the negative comments. 

 I have realized that inferiority complex can contribute to this due to the way we were raised. At school students are screened according to their academic performance. Those who perform well academically are put in either first group or first class. In most cases intelligence is usually measured based on academic performances. During my primary education, our School Head would call out all the first class achievers. Parents and friends of these first class achievers would feel proud and sing praises to them. I remember my mother showering me with gifts, carrying me on her back, singing praise songs. I felt so good to the extent that I would feel myself wanting to achieve more. To a greater extent this was and is still good but have we ever wondered what this will do to those who came out last or those who did not do well in class? Some parents and teachers get to point of comparison. Even though I had challenges in expressing myself in my early years, my mother and my grade one teacher would always tell the class that I would be among the students that would make it in life. My mother wanted me to be a teacher because she admired teachers at our local community school. 

Parents, guardians and teachers should be the number cheerleaders of their children. Fathers should tell their daughters they are beautiful and brave. Teachers should tell their young scholars that they can be anything they desire to be in life, despite the world’s negativity. People who seek people’s approval are always not sure about themselves. This is usually caused by what they saw and experienced when they were growing up. To a larger extent we are as result of what we were made to believe when we were growing up. We are a result of what we experienced. The message we heard the things we saw, the life we experienced contributes to who we have become today. 

 We are waiting for other people to set the tone of our life, we are waiting for things to get better, and we are waiting for other people to think for us so that we begin to act. We are waiting for other people to open their consultancy companies so that we can be employed. 

 Do not wait for anyone to tell you that you are a great person. Just be a great a person, act like a great person. Take a bold stance and bring your own narrative. Never apologize in pursuit of greatness.  Dream even bigger than you can imagine. Never mind those who laugh and mock you. That is part the of the journey. Be in the picture. Show up; do not be afraid of making mistakes. Just be bold enough to say that in spite of setbacks, cultural barriers, geographical location, I will make it. 

 Never let your physical condition limits you, never let someone convince you that you cannot do it. Never let anyone define your destiny. You are the author of your life.  

Angie is the Director and Founder of Shekinah Media, Life Coach, Speaker and Writer

She can be reached at mikiri.angie@gmail.com